gets me every time.

Precious and fragile things
Need special handling
My God what have we done to You?

We always try to share
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put You through...

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

Angels with silver wings
Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for You

If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it's Your eyes He's seeing through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

I pray You learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in Your heart for two

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give
  • Current Mood
    nostalgic nostalgic

I will try to find my place in the diary of [Jane].

That butterflies in your stomach, twist in your gut, afraid to look but wanting to more than anything feeling, anticipation, it's nice to know you can still get that, whether or not the end result is different these days. Some things never do change, even when everything does.

It's not so abstract when you can feel the tiny slivers and jagged edges of where your heart actually broke once upon a time. it's not a fairytale in the clouds, it's a roadmap across your body. whether it's scars, tattoos, wrinkles, or makeup, it seems more comforting this way.
  • Current Music

Without a sense of poise and rationality.

Fuck you.

But fuck you, in a nice way.
Not in a sexual way, or in a get the fuck out, way.
Fuck you in the way that means, I’m ok.
On my own.

Relatively speaking, of course.

Don’t ask me to explain.
Some things make more sense when they are left unsaid because the English language, though full of ripe images and beautiful words, still has not mastered all the complexities of the heart.

It’s too bad that’s not my style.
  • Current Mood


And you realize, you give it all up, your sanity, your well being, your future, your success, your possibility, just for those nine and a half hours, once every year, of happiness.

Lock it away, bury it, burn it, rip it to pieces, do whatever it takes. And you tell yourself that you do, that you will. You practice with everything else, your sanity, your well being, your future, success, possibility. Everything, but that one thing.

An inability to coexist, but too tempting to deny.

Self restraint has a limit, and everyone has a vice.

And sometimes all you can do is drink your way headfirst to the vice, fuck said vice, and then move on, completely and utterly detached from that secret indulgement, until the next rendez-vous at some undetermined point in the future..

After all, it takes a while to build up the callouses, and the only way to keep them strong is by engaging in the same painful behavior, over, and over again.

Eventually it becomes easier to hold it in, therapeutic, even. Much more so than lamenting about lost loves to someone who can neither fathom, nor effectively fake sincere sentiment. They merely mirror their own feelings in a desperate attempt to prove they can indeed be there for you.

If things were perfect, they would not be perfect. What attraction remains when everything is stationary? We continue to chase something we do not actually want never at all realizing we may infact already be there, only the tantalizing ‘there,’ is constantly shifting, and it can be more than difficult to get a good footing.

I won’t give you this.

Nothing is ever good enough, so nothing can ever be finished. So nothing is ever gone.
  • Current Mood

Shoot me... surely I jest.???

ive decided to forego punctuation with this entry.

This new diet will be liquid.
Who am I kidding, it already is.
There's a New Years Resolution for you, or something of the sort.
The way I prefer it, anyhow.
I'm rather content to be drunk for the rest of my life, not because I'm depressed or upset for some reason, it's just better that way.
If you think otherwise, fuck off.

it seems the disappearing act is the only one that pays off.

i really am tired, and i think im done with it all.
  • Current Music
firelit escape

the place where i make no mistakes

Feels like it's been forever, or forever in a daze.
Oh, the wonderful insights drugs give us into our own minds.

Confused, as of late. I am not happy but neither am i sad. strangely complacent? perhaps. More like I'm waiting on something, something that will change everything, or maybe nothing at all, I haven't the faintest idea, but I'm waiting, and I think I should stop that.

Drunken nights are like dreams. They are crystally vivid in your mind until you slide them under the magnifying glass of recollection and then they blur and fade like stones into a stream.

i miss the ferris wheel.

I want to believe that you would chase me if I left you, but I know that you won’t. And I have to let you go anyway. For the first time in my life I have to let you go and realize that you’re not coming back. That it’s letting go, for real.
i still have your (unsent)letter
maybe one of these days i'll allow you to know how our story really unfolded, but it's more likely that i leave it on the dirty bar for a stranger to find.
it's more comfortable for everyone that way, isn't it, my dear.
At the very least, i should thank you for being such a wonderful muse.

"What a wonderful caricature of intimacy"
She laid in the bathtub,
listening to the house settle
and the choking sound of water
trickling down the drain.

her fingertips floated on the lukewarm surface
that covered her,
leaving her bare knees and breasts
as the only exposed skin, emblazoned
with the orange glow from the heater

and so the realization came
Nothing more
nothing less
you are not the first
you will not be the last

this is all rahter rash and undecided so i apologize for that, simple boredom and curiosity are the reasons i think i'll give for tonight. enough of that.
  • Current Music
    elliot smith - XO

Just me and jack.

hahahhaha, um, so this is something i emailed to myself after writing when i was hammered?
I have no recollection of this,
but notice how my spelling deteriorates towards the end.

its strange. all the things that merge together when you
least expect it like dreams and the future when you're
laying in summer grass breathing in cool night air while
smoking inside a nonsmoking building. what are we trying for,
doing? running, but if its real how do you run from it. so
don't despair. if its real you don't have to chase it. im
not afraid to write that down any longer. because i believe
it. the inexplicable joy in one note. in apathy. somehow i
feel both though i know it is not possible, logically. the
word makes me laugh. the love stories i write i fear are no
longer true.

"Married on friday the 13th. she ran off on me last year.
Wish it'd been me instead."

i did it to push you away. i did it right for the first time
in my life. for all the wrong reasons. i thought i was
protecting you but i was protecting myself.
dreams live or die depending on which moment they're in.
my eyes are blurry and i look into a reflection of a dead
end... don't remember exactly how i phrased this damnit.

and maybe i should consider the possibility taht i am
already whole. brilliant words that never before crossed my
mind and most definitely should have. these things happen.
its my saying for a reason. so perfect, until the music and
influences ruin my reaction. each beat turns me into a
different person.
and you will sit alone waiting forever if you wait for
everything to be perfect. it will be though you dont realize
it, you can never realize it in that instant, so odn't wait
for the feeling. in time yuou alwayus see it, hindsight is
20/20 fo ra reason. painful though it seems.

why do i so often go driving at strange hours of the night.

...yea, i got nothing.
  • Current Mood
    frustrated frustrated